Yeah, I’m not feeling today. Going through the pre-packing list — a (probably very unscientific, definitely oversimplifying) way to think about it would be “the autistic part took over”. I might use that phrase in conversation, if I sense that my interlocutor conceptualizes things this way — all while dreading that someone with whom I’ve interacted past this framing could overhear and reevaluate my aptitude for understanding anything.
I remember a couple of moments of pure peace. Thought about those today. One of them, a decade and a half ago, just sitting on my balcony, looking at the stars. Another, the first time I took short-acting ADHD medication. Yeah, no, I didn’t quite clue in at the time. My attention and working memory appeared to work just fine, this was merely some pharmacological fluke. Phluke.
Bus thought of the day: A lot of things would be a lot easier :) if I could drive. I think it’s more anxiety than dyspraxia (I’m an almost half-decent driver with someone I trust — and ideally their own brake — in the passenger seat). In any case, they feed off each other, so functionally it doesn’t quite matter.
Ah, Anxiety, trusty distrusting companion. It doesn’t have to be all “omg omg omg, I worry and worry”. It can be in the systems you build to “prevent” it, in the determination to figure out this problem, damn it, if it costs you a full night’s sleep, in the self-promises that “just this one more thing and it’s all going to be smooth sailing.” Just a transmutation of rumination, really, from something immediately negative into a motivating apparent positive.
“See the goal,” my doctoral supervisor would say. I could never quite understand long-term goals. They mean commitment without guarantees — sure, there are no guarantees, but there are no absolutes either. Let me rephrase: too much commitment for an ever-decreasing likelihood that my interest and the goal remain on the same line. (Said the person who got married at 22 and tried to override the instinctive “what the hell have I done?” that showed up very, very soon after. Did I not know that people are fickle, that they change their mind, revoke their loyalty, or die on you?)
Dive-bar menu item of the day: maple-bacon breaded wings with Thai peanut sauce and blue cheese dip.
